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 Hi! Happy almost June! ☀️ Don't listen to me EVER when I say I'll be back soon, because that's proven to be very untrue. I come and go as I like lately. But I am back because I wanted to make a post about my Bisalp experience last January. A bisalp, short for bilateral salpingectomy, is a procedure where both of your fallopian tubes are removed. This is a permanent form of sterilization, and as someone who doesn't want kids, is a choice I am very happy with. :) *NOTE: A bisalp is different from a tubal litigation. The procedure I got completely removes your fallopian tubes. A tubal just ties, cuts, or in some way interrupts the usual path for the egg to travel to the uterus. Bisalps are MUCH more effective and eliminate the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.* I had known that I wanted to be childfree for many many years. So when I got a new gynecologist, I spoke up right away about how I was interested in this procedure. My doctor is AMAZING, so we began the process immedia...

 Wtf bro. I'm STILL stuck at a shitty job. Not the same one from my last post, almost a year ago, but a different shitty job. Where are the Universe's blessings!? Okay wait, lemme pause. There is much to be grateful for, don't get me wrong. My wonderful, amazing partner of nearly two years, living in a cute lil apartment away from home (oh yeah, I MOVED!!!), having enough money to pay for groceries and make rent every month, health insurance (via my shitty job)... Many parts of my life are really good. For the first time in a very long time. Work is the only thing dragging me down. It really sucks that we have to work to live. To simply exist!! Not to share such a hot take, but damn I hate having to plan my own LIFE around work! I can't go to the events I want to, I can't plan a spontaneous trip, I'm too exhausted most days to really go in depth with my hobbies... shit sucks. My partner has a tough job as well that has him coming home late and exhausted. During ...

 Every time I think I'll never return to this blog... here I am. I don't want to ever stop posting here, really. Shit just got busy, I forgot. You know, "life happens" and all that. So this feels like a good time for a life update. Seeing as I haven't posted in almost TWO YEARS. My computer sucks, okay. Plus I was busy with being at college. Nothing crazy. NBD. Let's start there, then. I graduated with a bachelor's degree in communications in May, 2022. So much time, energy, money, and hard work went into that degree. It's super weird to think that in a few months, I'll have been out of college for a whole year already. (And high school for nine. No, I don't wanna talk about it). After that, I continued working at my longtime retail job while I looked for something full-time. Which happened in September. Finding a job is hard, by the way. Especially right out of school when you have little to no experience and everyone seems to expect you to. B...

Most tv shows and movies will have you believing that someone's first heartbreak occurs around high school age... (Disclaimer: Of course there can be other non-romantic relationship related heartbreaks that occur in your life, and those are absolutely valid and painful and real as well. But this story is about breaking up with a partner.) I started dating this girl in September 2020. Our first date was perfect. Then a month later I asked her to be my girlfriend. In the months that followed we celebrated her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day. We held hands, went to the art museum, walked around the city. Every time we were together was another little memory. Another little piece of me being altered by being with this person whom I loved. Then she got a job 800 miles away. We decided to try long distance. A few days before she left I realized that it wasn't going to work between us. And we broke up. I'm 24 years old and going through my first heartbreak now. You need t...

 Happy 2021! We have arrived. (I know I'm late, just pretend?) I've been wanting to write another post here for a while, but I haven't been able to get around to it until now. So much has changed. The obvious, globally, which is COVID-19 impacting every facet of our lives, and the less obvious, personally, in my own life. Since May, I have completed another fall semester of college, part online and part in-person. I am beyond grateful to have been on campus, even a little bit, for a few classes last year. I was also able to achieve straight A's, which in this season has been extra difficult. I am proud of myself. January 19th was my first day back to class for the spring semester, and... it's much like it was 8 months ago. But despite how different and difficult things have been, I have hopes. But my biggest, most exciting change as of October 2020, is me being in my first official relationship. I'm cuffed y'all! On this day three years ago (2018!), I wrote ...

I've been thinking a lot about faith, God, religion, and Christianity in the past year or two. As a middle and high-school student, my faith grew and blossomed. I went to church (and loved it) every week, I participated in the weekly youth small group, I prayed multiple times a day, and I attempted to read my Bible consistently, daily. Then... something happened. Something changed. I'm still not sure what, but I began to look at life and faith and God differently. Now if you're reading this and feeling sorry for me because you view this as "backsliding" or "veering off of the right path," don't. Let me explain. I had truly begun to question some of the teachings of the church, the way the Bible is often interpreted, and my own personal views and beliefs when it comes to faith or religion. In May of 2019, I left my church that I'd been a part of for almost 9 years. I'd been feeling a tug to go, to move on, for a while. I p...

Shit. Is. Crazy. I realize that I haven't written here in a while, and for that I apologize, mostly to myself. Writing is something that I really enjoy, but I've been so busy with school, then, well, you know... Honestly I think we have ALL heard enough about the Coronavirus Pandemic by now, wouldn't you agree? I personally have been out of work and taking classes online since mid-March. I am grateful that my family and I are taken care of and healthy. I am grateful, as I started a new medication recently, and this is a good time for my body to adjust to it. I am grateful that I've gotten to work out way more. It makes me feel strong as hell, and slightly more sane. I am grateful that my friends are well. Despite all of the absolute insanity, uncertainty, and anxiety, I am grateful. (Side note: I also really want a hug, like, so badly. Shout out to my fellow "physical touch is my love language" people.) Being home I've also gotten to organize an...

Another year has come and is almost gone. I can't believe it, but I'm ready. This is the first decade that I really remember. I went from finishing 8th grade, to high school, then starting college. I grew, I learned, I laughed, I cried. As we all did. Again and again I am overwhelmed with amazement, love, and pride for human resiliency, for those who exhibit it. For people who get up over and over, finding deeper strength in their most difficult trials. I am so proud of you. Of me. Of all of us who are still here and giving life hell. This past year alone, I didn't realize how strong and brave I had been until I looked back. 2019 was the year of Courage and Health. The past few years I have picked a word or two to embody as a New Years Goal. (Before that, I had overwhelmed myself with way too many overly ambitious goals that I almost never accomplished.) Anyway, Courage and Health were actually two things I rolled over from the previous year, because I wanted to ...

This is going to be the bloggiest blog post I've written so far. Yesterday was the winter solstice, and even though it sure has been feeling like winter here for some time, now it's official. So I thought I'd do a brief post on three of my favorite products that I use in the winter! The first is Carmex lip balm. This comes in a tube, a stick, and a little pot. Right now I'm using the stick, as it's the most convenient. This stuff is magic y'all. Nothing soothes and smooths my lips like this. I put it on every night before bed, and once it gets cold (like now) I use it throughout the day as well. The biggest con with this is that it'll leave some pretty sticky lip marks on your water glass. But that is a small price to pay for all the pros. Carmex retails for about $2.79 at my local Target for a pack of three. The second is Hemp Hand Protector Hand Cream from the Body Shop. This moisturizer is INCREDIBLE. It doesn't matter ...

Three months later, and I have completed my first semester of full time college. Four classes, three finals, and countless moments and memories made. In September I wrote a post about how college was a lot harder than I expected. The friendship and connection that I so deeply craved was not happening. A month and a half later near the end of October, I felt like I was beginning to make friends, but I was still so terribly self conscious. "Do these people actually like me?" "Am I being annoying?" Never in my life have I remembered feeling so unsure about making friends. Then fast forward to the beginning of December, when I decided to stop taking every little thing personally (They didn't say goodbye, they must hate me), and ACCEPT that these people actually want to be my friends and spend time with me. How silly am I to think that I am being annoying and people are simply tolerating me when they go out of their way to invite me to places and text me first...

Why doesn't anyone really talk about how being single can make you a little bit bitter? And when I actually do put forth effort and God says "No" I'm like "Okay alright that's fine that's cool I'm grateful Oh she got engaged? At 21? Oh you have someone who's mutually into you? Oh he's texting you back? Oh cool cool cool cool must be nice can't relate but I'm happy for you." And on and on and on it GOES. My attempts at a love life are like Groundhog Day and always end the same. With nothing. I should not be surprised anymore. Sorry, do I sound bitter? Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit. I wrote a post almost two years ago (January 20th, 2018, to be exact) addressed to those of us that have never been in love. And now I am 23 years old. 23 as of September, 2019. I still have never been kissed. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been romantically, truly, in love. And if I am being completely honest, Yes, that shit ...

This past weekend my friend and I took a three-hour road trip to Virginia to surprise my Twitter friend. We had never met before and he did not know I was coming. He was very surprised and it was a great trip! :) But the whole time leading up to this, my mind kept coming back to, "What if I'm a disappointment? What if I don't look like what they expected? What if what if what if?" These thoughts often surface when I am going to meet an internet friend in person for the first time. There is a unique dynamic to online friendships that more tactile IRL friendships tend to lack. While it's different, this doesn't make these friendships any less real, valuable, or genuine. But having these unique friendships means that you may not meet this person for a very long time, (or ever!) depending on your level of closeness, or the physical distance between you both. You might text, talk, snap, and face-time frequently, but it's no substitute for the real thing...

College is harder than I thought it would be and I am not having fun anymore. This is something I texted my friend a few days ago, waiting for my last class of the day to start. "College is lonelier than I anticipated. Why is making friends? So?? Hard???" I know it's still the beginning, but I expected to have at least one friend by now! I've been friendly, I've initiated conversations, I've been involved... where are my people!? They always talk about the college work load, the stress, (which I've definitely felt already), or the homesickness. But I never heard much about the Being Thrust Into New Social Situations and Re-Learning How to Make Friends. It's hard. From my perspective, people didn't seem as open and interested in friendship as I had hoped. Seeing people who already have friends and tight connections only makes me feel more lonely from where I stand. When I was in community college, I didn't mind as much. I had two class...

I transfer to a new college in the fall. I started school at a community college in January 2017, and now I'm going to be a student at the school I actually want to be at. I've been nervous. Excited. Nervous. It's so stressful, and all of that just builds and builds as the starting date gets closer. There's so much prep for it that I didn't realize. A million different forms to fill out and things to do. And suddenly I am not okay. And I don't want to go to college anymore. Because it's all so overwhelming and TOO. DAMN. MUCH. But I also feel like I've come too far to back out. And I do want to go and I  do want to be there, really, truly. Just in this moment I am feeling suffocated, and panicked, and way in over my head here. I am so full of anxiety and fear and trepidation. I'm worried about it all so very much. How I'll afford college. What's going to happen when depression inevitably hits... Or anxiety. What if I becom...

I have a confession to make. Baby showers make me sad. I know, joyous occasions like weddings and birthdays and yeah, baby showers, are supposed  to make YOU happy too. You're just... supposed to be happy. It's that silent expectation or assumption. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend or relative who's expecting. They're excited and they're happy, so I am too. But then I get to thinking about how, this kid is getting brought into a messed up world by no choice of their own. None of us had a choice to be born, of course. I know. If the baby is to be a girl the sadness triples, knowing first-hand the unique hardships and trials women in society face. Some might say I think too much. But it's how I feel and that's that. "Everyone else at this baby shower seems so happy and smiley... What's wrong with me?" Is the thought that often comes along while I eat cake and people watch at these celebrations. But how do I really know...

I was cruising around Google today, looking for answers... of course. To see if anyone else understood. That I'm not crazy. That I'm not alone. For the hundredth time I wondered if anyone else in the universe didn't want kids like me. Was afraid of being pregnant like me. And I found it. It's funny, how we always think that we're alone. When really, with the billions of people in the world... that's quite impossible. What I found, is that the fear of pregnancy and childbirth is a legitimate phobia, and it's called tokophobia. Tokophobia is defined as, "A pathological fear of pregnancy." It can occur in women who've had kids before, or not. Some symptoms (triggered by sight, words, thoughts, etc.) include recurrent nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks, sweating and shaking, thoughts of death or dying... If this sounds like you, please find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Having a family, including children, is such an ing...

***This post is about mortality and may be triggering to some readers*** Today I heard about a road accident that happened Friday. A family of 6. One mom, one dad, and four sisters. There were 5 fatalities. Death always shakes you up. I was at work, talking with a co-worker, and my boss brings up this accident. One second you're not thinking about much... maybe what you're going to eat for lunch, or your friend, your favorite band coming back, whatever. And the next you're struck somber by the realization that, You're Fragile and Life is Short. That everything else in life appears as filler and distraction from the thought of the inevitable. I feel like I should apologize for being so morbid. But this is a place where I come to write (and invite you to read it), so I'm just going to write what I want and need to and that's that. I'm very grateful for the "distractions" in life, quite honestly. I think we'd all have constant ex...

It feels heavy. Like an anchor has attached itself to you. Like a lead weight is tied to your heart. You look out your window and the sun is shining and you can hear your little neighbors laughing and everything is beautiful, but... you don't feel any happiness. All the colors are kind of muted and everything blurs. Sleep is an escape, and you crave it so you can forget for a little while. Even when you feel like you cannot function, the world is still moving. Nothing stops for you, and time goes on while you try to fight through it & figure stuff out. You might cry a lot. This is how depression feels. Or how it may feel. Everyone struggles and experiences it differently. I have mild- moderate depression, and tend to fight with seasonal depression as well. I've never been "officially" diagnosed by a doctor or health professional. This makes me often feel like a fake, because my pain has not been validated by someone who knows what the...

I don't like people worrying about me. My family, my friends, complete and utter strangers. I do admit, it's nice to have someone be gently concerned for you every once in a while. It can make you feel like you're still seen and cared about. But most of the time, I hate to make someone worry. This is part of the reason why it's so hard for me to tell my parents about my mental illness. I feel guilty, bad, heartbroken, for making them worry more than they have to. My heart twists when I feel like I may be spending a little too much time in solitude, lying on my bed, for my mom to grow concerned and worry over me. I feel sick with guilt when I forget to text my parents and I get home much later than expected. I have to often slip away to a bathroom, or outside, when I start to feel ill as a result of anxiety when I'm out with friends. Rather than tell them what's going on, and have them worry about me. Rather than have them suggest we go, and leave me wi...

Sense and Sensibility. If you've ever read the book by Jane Austen (or have seen the play, like me), you know a bit about what it means to have either. To be full of sense is to be led by your head. To be logical and think things through, to make plans and be responsible. To live with your feet on the ground. To be full of sensibility is to be led by your heart. To feel and dream, to be spontaneous and maybe a little reckless. To live with your head in the clouds. Both are important. Neither is inherently bad, when balanced with the other. But then, we also have the Spirit to consider. As a Believer in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit lives in me. I should be led by that first. Not my head, not my heart, but the Spirit. In my own life, I tend to feel things very deeply. I am a big fan of Disney, and therefore have been very exposed to "Follow Your Heart!" When I slowly started to come to the realization that, no, you shouldn't be led by your heart,...