Single and Bitter
Why doesn't anyone really talk about how being single can make you a little bit bitter?
And when I actually do put forth effort and God says "No" I'm like "Okay alright that's fine that's cool I'm grateful Oh she got engaged? At 21? Oh you have someone who's mutually into you? Oh he's texting you back? Oh cool cool cool cool must be nice can't relate but I'm happy for you."
And on and on and on it GOES.
My attempts at a love life are like Groundhog Day and always end the same. With nothing.
I should not be surprised anymore.
Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit.
I wrote a post almost two years ago (January 20th, 2018, to be exact) addressed to those of us that have never been in love.
And now I am 23 years old. 23 as of September, 2019. I still have never been kissed. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been romantically, truly, in love.
And if I am being completely honest, Yes, that shit hurts me. Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I am many, many things.
I am utterly envious of people who can even have healthy boundaries with this subject.
People who can be okay with being single, living their best lives, and not giving it much of a second thought.
While this is almost always my second thought.
It makes me feel crazy. I don't think it's okay for me to feel this way, but I don't know how to change. I don't know how to do it differently. I'ts been like this for so long.
Seeing the endless engagement announcements and relationship pictures makes it harder and harder every single day. Like it's being rubbed in my face.
I can be happy for other people, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that pang in my chest.
I am just tired.
I'm tired of every attempt ending in nothing.
Every crush fizzling out and not coming to fruition.
Every good boy being Taken or Engaged or Married. (Or just not for me).
I know there are so many more important things to think about, and that this may seem superficial and pathetic to some.
But guess what? This is my blog and my place to say whatever I want, so if you don't like it you can leave it.
Thinking back, I am truly grateful for many crushes that didn't turn into anything. (Like... what was I thinking?!)
I trust God and I want to protect my heart.
I don't want Him to just give me what I want. I'm scared of that.
I'm so scared to ruin my life and my heart beyond repair.
Then I wonder if maybe... it isn't God keeping me from Love. Maybe it's Me?
Still, I feel like I'm trying to trust Him to bring me the "right" person.
And I'm still walking along wanting and with nothing.
Definitely hurts.
Time only seems to exacerbate the whole thing, instead of make me more content.
Where am I going?
I just want to fall in love.
I just want to do right.
Maybe I'll have a different, better update in two years.
If this speaks to you, please know that you're not alone in this.
~ Bye for now. xo
And when I actually do put forth effort and God says "No" I'm like "Okay alright that's fine that's cool I'm grateful Oh she got engaged? At 21? Oh you have someone who's mutually into you? Oh he's texting you back? Oh cool cool cool cool must be nice can't relate but I'm happy for you."
And on and on and on it GOES.
My attempts at a love life are like Groundhog Day and always end the same. With nothing.
I should not be surprised anymore.
Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit.
I wrote a post almost two years ago (January 20th, 2018, to be exact) addressed to those of us that have never been in love.
And now I am 23 years old. 23 as of September, 2019. I still have never been kissed. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been romantically, truly, in love.
And if I am being completely honest, Yes, that shit hurts me. Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I am many, many things.
I am utterly envious of people who can even have healthy boundaries with this subject.
People who can be okay with being single, living their best lives, and not giving it much of a second thought.
While this is almost always my second thought.
It makes me feel crazy. I don't think it's okay for me to feel this way, but I don't know how to change. I don't know how to do it differently. I'ts been like this for so long.
Seeing the endless engagement announcements and relationship pictures makes it harder and harder every single day. Like it's being rubbed in my face.
I can be happy for other people, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that pang in my chest.
I am just tired.
I'm tired of every attempt ending in nothing.
Every crush fizzling out and not coming to fruition.
Every good boy being Taken or Engaged or Married. (Or just not for me).
I know there are so many more important things to think about, and that this may seem superficial and pathetic to some.
But guess what? This is my blog and my place to say whatever I want, so if you don't like it you can leave it.
Thinking back, I am truly grateful for many crushes that didn't turn into anything. (Like... what was I thinking?!)
I trust God and I want to protect my heart.
I don't want Him to just give me what I want. I'm scared of that.
I'm so scared to ruin my life and my heart beyond repair.
Then I wonder if maybe... it isn't God keeping me from Love. Maybe it's Me?
Still, I feel like I'm trying to trust Him to bring me the "right" person.
And I'm still walking along wanting and with nothing.
Definitely hurts.
Time only seems to exacerbate the whole thing, instead of make me more content.
Where am I going?
I just want to fall in love.
I just want to do right.
Maybe I'll have a different, better update in two years.
If this speaks to you, please know that you're not alone in this.
~ Bye for now. xo
I have always said aloud that I don't mind singleness. I don't mind being the spinster lady who brews tea and feeds stray animals.
ReplyDeleteBut in recent years, I've began to realize that as much as I don't mind that life, I also don't want that life as a status quo. It might be nice, staying single forever; being the friend who can always be trusted to Be There for my struggling mom/wife friends; the Cool Aunt/Great Aunt who is a partner in crime and willing ear; a sister who can always be there, no plans needed, for her sisters and brothers.
But I don't want that life without the chance to ever explore a different one.
I'm approaching being 24, almost halfway through with my 20s, and I'm realizing...what if I never FALL in love? what if no one ever falls for me? Am I defective? Is such an outcome the product of a world where people are less in tune with reality and with one another and therefore it is harder to make true, MEANINGFUL connections with people face-to-face?
I don't know.
and the concept of never knowing, of never being given the choice to choose between singleness or marriageness is....frightening.
I'm ok with being single.
I'm not ok with never knowing what I'd be like if I wasn't single.
I will say - if you download a dating app (Bumble is my fave), you'll instantly feel better about being single. When you see the state of the fish in the sea...you decide maybe fishing just isn't for you. XD
ReplyDelete