New Year's Eve Reflection
Another year has come and is almost gone. I can't believe it, but I'm ready.
This is the first decade that I really remember.
I went from finishing 8th grade, to high school, then starting college.
I grew, I learned, I laughed, I cried. As we all did.
Again and again I am overwhelmed with amazement, love, and pride for human resiliency, for those who exhibit it. For people who get up over and over, finding deeper strength in their most difficult trials. I am so proud of you. Of me. Of all of us who are still here and giving life hell.
This past year alone, I didn't realize how strong and brave I had been until I looked back.
2019 was the year of Courage and Health.
The past few years I have picked a word or two to embody as a New Years Goal.
(Before that, I had overwhelmed myself with way too many overly ambitious goals that I almost never accomplished.)
Anyway, Courage and Health were actually two things I rolled over from the previous year, because I wanted to keep working on them.
If you've been reading my blog posts for a while, I'm sure I have mentioned my own anxiety and depression and mental health issues several times.
So, Courage was BIG for me. Still is.
This past year I...
~Went on multiple dates.
I'd never been on an actual date before, and going made me extremely anxious, but I went anyway and I am so! dang!! proud!!! of myself for that.
~Took a solo trip to California.
I still cannot believe that I actually did this. I'd dreamed of going to visit LA for a long time, and in March 2019, I finally did just that. A six hour flight alone, a 10-day trip staying in a hostel, visiting an art museum with someone I'd met the night before in said hostel... it was scary!! But I'm so glad I did it. Taking that trip is one of the biggest, bravest things I've ever done. I am also very grateful to have had friends who drove me around and payed for a lot of my meals while I was there. I honestly am not sure I could have made the trip without their love and support.
~Read my poetry at multiple Open Mic nights.
I tweet a lot of my poems, but reading them in person is a whole different story.
A lot of what I write is very raw and vulnerable, because I often use poetry and writing as a catharsis when I'm in pain. But I got up there and poured my soul out onto a crowd of 70+ people for the first time in June. Then I did it three more times, twice at my college. It never gets easier, but I'd do it a thousand times more.
~Started college full time.
I wrote about my beginnings at community college almost 3 years ago now, and in August 2019 I finally transferred to a university to start full time. I took four classes, I hosted my own radio show, I talked to people, initiated conversations, and made friends. And in all of this, I also finally, FINALLY...
~Went to therapy for the first time.
I have been wanting to go to therapy for years, but that didn't make it any less scary to start. Yet I marched myself to the building, filled out a form, made an appointment, and started going to therapy once a week. It has been good and it has been scary sometimes. Being open and vulnerable is always going to be at least a little bit terrifying! But I am also so grateful to be going, because it is something I know I NEED and greatly benefit from.
God no doubt has given me strength in all of this.
These are probably the biggest things.
The first half of 2019 was very difficult.
I was depressed, lost, restless... I would say I was brave just for staying to fight another day.
As are you. We are still here and I am proud of us.
Now Health covers physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.
And let me tell you, this ALWAYS needs work.
But I am trying. I am here and I am trying and I am working to be better.
While I'm here, I also want to recap some good moments from this year!
On January 1st I went to see SpiderVerse. I loved it so much that I returned to the theater a few weeks later to see it again.
That movie was one of my biggest highlights of the year.
(And if you're thinking "wow that's sad," please calm down and Let People Enjoy Things.)
In February I went to my dear friend's baby shower.
Also the Jonas Brothers got back together!!!! I'm STILL hype.
In March I took my CA trip and met several internet friends for the very first time.
In April I met Olan Rogers. It was dope.
In May I watched the final episode of Star vs. the Forces of Evil. (This is a bit more of a sad moment, but ah) This show helped me through a lot of depressive episodes. Those 24 minutes of sweet distraction were bliss, and were with me through the really hard months.
In June I dyed my hair pink!!!!
In July I saw my best friends for the first time in two years.
In August I was a part of my cousin's wedding.
In September I went to the beach!
In October I organized and hosted my first Open Mic Night at my University.
In November I drove three hours to surprise visit my friend.
In December I reunited with my best friend from over the summer, and celebrated Christmas with my friends and family.
Interwoven in between all of this, I spent time with beloved friends, and made new ones.
I witnessed hundreds of beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
I danced and sang and laughed out loud.
Looking back, as with every year, 2019 was full of trials and pain, success and peace, deep depths of despair, and boundless, beautiful joy.
I am ready to grow and experience 2020.
I am grateful for my God, my friends, my family, and all that has been given to me.
My focus for this coming year is to be kinder to myself, and to be present.
And definitely to keep giving life hell. ;)
See you in the New Year!
This is the first decade that I really remember.
I went from finishing 8th grade, to high school, then starting college.
I grew, I learned, I laughed, I cried. As we all did.
Again and again I am overwhelmed with amazement, love, and pride for human resiliency, for those who exhibit it. For people who get up over and over, finding deeper strength in their most difficult trials. I am so proud of you. Of me. Of all of us who are still here and giving life hell.
This past year alone, I didn't realize how strong and brave I had been until I looked back.
2019 was the year of Courage and Health.
The past few years I have picked a word or two to embody as a New Years Goal.
(Before that, I had overwhelmed myself with way too many overly ambitious goals that I almost never accomplished.)
Anyway, Courage and Health were actually two things I rolled over from the previous year, because I wanted to keep working on them.
If you've been reading my blog posts for a while, I'm sure I have mentioned my own anxiety and depression and mental health issues several times.
So, Courage was BIG for me. Still is.
This past year I...
~Went on multiple dates.
I'd never been on an actual date before, and going made me extremely anxious, but I went anyway and I am so! dang!! proud!!! of myself for that.
~Took a solo trip to California.
I still cannot believe that I actually did this. I'd dreamed of going to visit LA for a long time, and in March 2019, I finally did just that. A six hour flight alone, a 10-day trip staying in a hostel, visiting an art museum with someone I'd met the night before in said hostel... it was scary!! But I'm so glad I did it. Taking that trip is one of the biggest, bravest things I've ever done. I am also very grateful to have had friends who drove me around and payed for a lot of my meals while I was there. I honestly am not sure I could have made the trip without their love and support.
~Read my poetry at multiple Open Mic nights.
I tweet a lot of my poems, but reading them in person is a whole different story.
A lot of what I write is very raw and vulnerable, because I often use poetry and writing as a catharsis when I'm in pain. But I got up there and poured my soul out onto a crowd of 70+ people for the first time in June. Then I did it three more times, twice at my college. It never gets easier, but I'd do it a thousand times more.
~Started college full time.
I wrote about my beginnings at community college almost 3 years ago now, and in August 2019 I finally transferred to a university to start full time. I took four classes, I hosted my own radio show, I talked to people, initiated conversations, and made friends. And in all of this, I also finally, FINALLY...
~Went to therapy for the first time.
I have been wanting to go to therapy for years, but that didn't make it any less scary to start. Yet I marched myself to the building, filled out a form, made an appointment, and started going to therapy once a week. It has been good and it has been scary sometimes. Being open and vulnerable is always going to be at least a little bit terrifying! But I am also so grateful to be going, because it is something I know I NEED and greatly benefit from.
God no doubt has given me strength in all of this.
These are probably the biggest things.
The first half of 2019 was very difficult.
I was depressed, lost, restless... I would say I was brave just for staying to fight another day.
As are you. We are still here and I am proud of us.
Now Health covers physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.
And let me tell you, this ALWAYS needs work.
But I am trying. I am here and I am trying and I am working to be better.
While I'm here, I also want to recap some good moments from this year!
On January 1st I went to see SpiderVerse. I loved it so much that I returned to the theater a few weeks later to see it again.
That movie was one of my biggest highlights of the year.
(And if you're thinking "wow that's sad," please calm down and Let People Enjoy Things.)
In February I went to my dear friend's baby shower.
Also the Jonas Brothers got back together!!!! I'm STILL hype.
In March I took my CA trip and met several internet friends for the very first time.
In April I met Olan Rogers. It was dope.
In May I watched the final episode of Star vs. the Forces of Evil. (This is a bit more of a sad moment, but ah) This show helped me through a lot of depressive episodes. Those 24 minutes of sweet distraction were bliss, and were with me through the really hard months.
In June I dyed my hair pink!!!!
In July I saw my best friends for the first time in two years.
In August I was a part of my cousin's wedding.
In September I went to the beach!
In October I organized and hosted my first Open Mic Night at my University.
In November I drove three hours to surprise visit my friend.
In December I reunited with my best friend from over the summer, and celebrated Christmas with my friends and family.
Interwoven in between all of this, I spent time with beloved friends, and made new ones.
I witnessed hundreds of beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
I danced and sang and laughed out loud.
Looking back, as with every year, 2019 was full of trials and pain, success and peace, deep depths of despair, and boundless, beautiful joy.
I am ready to grow and experience 2020.
I am grateful for my God, my friends, my family, and all that has been given to me.
My focus for this coming year is to be kinder to myself, and to be present.
And definitely to keep giving life hell. ;)
See you in the New Year!
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