Making People Worry
I don't like people worrying about me.
My family, my friends, complete and utter strangers.
I do admit, it's nice to have someone be gently concerned for you every once in a while. It can make you feel like you're still seen and cared about.
But most of the time, I hate to make someone worry.
This is part of the reason why it's so hard for me to tell my parents about my mental illness.
I feel guilty, bad, heartbroken, for making them worry more than they have to.
My heart twists when I feel like I may be spending a little too much time in solitude, lying on my bed, for my mom to grow concerned and worry over me.
I feel sick with guilt when I forget to text my parents and I get home much later than expected.
I have to often slip away to a bathroom, or outside, when I start to feel ill as a result of anxiety when I'm out with friends. Rather than tell them what's going on, and have them worry about me. Rather than have them suggest we go, and leave me with loads of guilt for being the reason our fun was cut short. (I am not saying that my friends would guilt trip me for this, ever. This would be my own fault, my own mind.)
I suppose that this isn't just a post about making others worry either, but the guilt that comes with it.
The fact that I don't want to disappoint people.
The worry within my own heart that they will not understand what I am going through. That it will even be dismissed, and things will go on, and I will be deeply heartbroken by the brush off.
There are a lot of components to this, aren't there?
Being a human is a complicated thing.
I am working in my life to be less of a people-pleaser, to let go of guilt, to have courage, and be vulnerable. I think I'm doing well in at least two of those things, half of the time!
I will grow.
You will grow.
We can grow together.
That's all for now...
... See ya.
My family, my friends, complete and utter strangers.
I do admit, it's nice to have someone be gently concerned for you every once in a while. It can make you feel like you're still seen and cared about.
But most of the time, I hate to make someone worry.
This is part of the reason why it's so hard for me to tell my parents about my mental illness.
I feel guilty, bad, heartbroken, for making them worry more than they have to.
My heart twists when I feel like I may be spending a little too much time in solitude, lying on my bed, for my mom to grow concerned and worry over me.
I feel sick with guilt when I forget to text my parents and I get home much later than expected.
I have to often slip away to a bathroom, or outside, when I start to feel ill as a result of anxiety when I'm out with friends. Rather than tell them what's going on, and have them worry about me. Rather than have them suggest we go, and leave me with loads of guilt for being the reason our fun was cut short. (I am not saying that my friends would guilt trip me for this, ever. This would be my own fault, my own mind.)
I suppose that this isn't just a post about making others worry either, but the guilt that comes with it.
The fact that I don't want to disappoint people.
The worry within my own heart that they will not understand what I am going through. That it will even be dismissed, and things will go on, and I will be deeply heartbroken by the brush off.
There are a lot of components to this, aren't there?
Being a human is a complicated thing.
I am working in my life to be less of a people-pleaser, to let go of guilt, to have courage, and be vulnerable. I think I'm doing well in at least two of those things, half of the time!
I will grow.
You will grow.
We can grow together.
That's all for now...
... See ya.
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