Unnamed

College is harder than I thought it would be and I am not having fun anymore. This is something I texted my friend a few days ago, waiting for my last class of the day to start. "College is lonelier than I anticipated. Why is making friends? So?? Hard???" I know it's still the beginning, but I expected to have at least one friend by now! I've been friendly, I've initiated conversations, I've been involved... where are my people!? They always talk about the college work load, the stress, (which I've definitely felt already), or the homesickness. But I never heard much about the Being Thrust Into New Social Situations and Re-Learning How to Make Friends. It's hard. From my perspective, people didn't seem as open and interested in friendship as I had hoped. Seeing people who already have friends and tight connections only makes me feel more lonely from where I stand. When I was in community college, I didn't mind as much. I had two class...

I transfer to a new college in the fall. I started school at a community college in January 2017, and now I'm going to be a student at the school I actually want to be at. I've been nervous. Excited. Nervous. It's so stressful, and all of that just builds and builds as the starting date gets closer. There's so much prep for it that I didn't realize. A million different forms to fill out and things to do. And suddenly I am not okay. And I don't want to go to college anymore. Because it's all so overwhelming and TOO. DAMN. MUCH. But I also feel like I've come too far to back out. And I do want to go and I  do want to be there, really, truly. Just in this moment I am feeling suffocated, and panicked, and way in over my head here. I am so full of anxiety and fear and trepidation. I'm worried about it all so very much. How I'll afford college. What's going to happen when depression inevitably hits... Or anxiety. What if I becom...

I have a confession to make. Baby showers make me sad. I know, joyous occasions like weddings and birthdays and yeah, baby showers, are supposed  to make YOU happy too. You're just... supposed to be happy. It's that silent expectation or assumption. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend or relative who's expecting. They're excited and they're happy, so I am too. But then I get to thinking about how, this kid is getting brought into a messed up world by no choice of their own. None of us had a choice to be born, of course. I know. If the baby is to be a girl the sadness triples, knowing first-hand the unique hardships and trials women in society face. Some might say I think too much. But it's how I feel and that's that. "Everyone else at this baby shower seems so happy and smiley... What's wrong with me?" Is the thought that often comes along while I eat cake and people watch at these celebrations. But how do I really know...

I was cruising around Google today, looking for answers... of course. To see if anyone else understood. That I'm not crazy. That I'm not alone. For the hundredth time I wondered if anyone else in the universe didn't want kids like me. Was afraid of being pregnant like me. And I found it. It's funny, how we always think that we're alone. When really, with the billions of people in the world... that's quite impossible. What I found, is that the fear of pregnancy and childbirth is a legitimate phobia, and it's called tokophobia. Tokophobia is defined as, "A pathological fear of pregnancy." It can occur in women who've had kids before, or not. Some symptoms (triggered by sight, words, thoughts, etc.) include recurrent nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks, sweating and shaking, thoughts of death or dying... If this sounds like you, please find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Having a family, including children, is such an ing...

***This post is about mortality and may be triggering to some readers*** Today I heard about a road accident that happened Friday. A family of 6. One mom, one dad, and four sisters. There were 5 fatalities. Death always shakes you up. I was at work, talking with a co-worker, and my boss brings up this accident. One second you're not thinking about much... maybe what you're going to eat for lunch, or your friend, your favorite band coming back, whatever. And the next you're struck somber by the realization that, You're Fragile and Life is Short. That everything else in life appears as filler and distraction from the thought of the inevitable. I feel like I should apologize for being so morbid. But this is a place where I come to write (and invite you to read it), so I'm just going to write what I want and need to and that's that. I'm very grateful for the "distractions" in life, quite honestly. I think we'd all have constant ex...

It feels heavy. Like an anchor has attached itself to you. Like a lead weight is tied to your heart. You look out your window and the sun is shining and you can hear your little neighbors laughing and everything is beautiful, but... you don't feel any happiness. All the colors are kind of muted and everything blurs. Sleep is an escape, and you crave it so you can forget for a little while. Even when you feel like you cannot function, the world is still moving. Nothing stops for you, and time goes on while you try to fight through it & figure stuff out. You might cry a lot. This is how depression feels. Or how it may feel. Everyone struggles and experiences it differently. I have mild- moderate depression, and tend to fight with seasonal depression as well. I've never been "officially" diagnosed by a doctor or health professional. This makes me often feel like a fake, because my pain has not been validated by someone who knows what the...

I don't like people worrying about me. My family, my friends, complete and utter strangers. I do admit, it's nice to have someone be gently concerned for you every once in a while. It can make you feel like you're still seen and cared about. But most of the time, I hate to make someone worry. This is part of the reason why it's so hard for me to tell my parents about my mental illness. I feel guilty, bad, heartbroken, for making them worry more than they have to. My heart twists when I feel like I may be spending a little too much time in solitude, lying on my bed, for my mom to grow concerned and worry over me. I feel sick with guilt when I forget to text my parents and I get home much later than expected. I have to often slip away to a bathroom, or outside, when I start to feel ill as a result of anxiety when I'm out with friends. Rather than tell them what's going on, and have them worry about me. Rather than have them suggest we go, and leave me wi...