Unnamed

Another year has come and is almost gone. I can't believe it, but I'm ready. This is the first decade that I really remember. I went from finishing 8th grade, to high school, then starting college. I grew, I learned, I laughed, I cried. As we all did. Again and again I am overwhelmed with amazement, love, and pride for human resiliency, for those who exhibit it. For people who get up over and over, finding deeper strength in their most difficult trials. I am so proud of you. Of me. Of all of us who are still here and giving life hell. This past year alone, I didn't realize how strong and brave I had been until I looked back. 2019 was the year of Courage and Health. The past few years I have picked a word or two to embody as a New Years Goal. (Before that, I had overwhelmed myself with way too many overly ambitious goals that I almost never accomplished.) Anyway, Courage and Health were actually two things I rolled over from the previous year, because I wanted to ...

This is going to be the bloggiest blog post I've written so far. Yesterday was the winter solstice, and even though it sure has been feeling like winter here for some time, now it's official. So I thought I'd do a brief post on three of my favorite products that I use in the winter! The first is Carmex lip balm. This comes in a tube, a stick, and a little pot. Right now I'm using the stick, as it's the most convenient. This stuff is magic y'all. Nothing soothes and smooths my lips like this. I put it on every night before bed, and once it gets cold (like now) I use it throughout the day as well. The biggest con with this is that it'll leave some pretty sticky lip marks on your water glass. But that is a small price to pay for all the pros. Carmex retails for about $2.79 at my local Target for a pack of three. The second is Hemp Hand Protector Hand Cream from the Body Shop. This moisturizer is INCREDIBLE. It doesn't matter ...

Three months later, and I have completed my first semester of full time college. Four classes, three finals, and countless moments and memories made. In September I wrote a post about how college was a lot harder than I expected. The friendship and connection that I so deeply craved was not happening. A month and a half later near the end of October, I felt like I was beginning to make friends, but I was still so terribly self conscious. "Do these people actually like me?" "Am I being annoying?" Never in my life have I remembered feeling so unsure about making friends. Then fast forward to the beginning of December, when I decided to stop taking every little thing personally (They didn't say goodbye, they must hate me), and ACCEPT that these people actually want to be my friends and spend time with me. How silly am I to think that I am being annoying and people are simply tolerating me when they go out of their way to invite me to places and text me first...

Why doesn't anyone really talk about how being single can make you a little bit bitter? And when I actually do put forth effort and God says "No" I'm like "Okay alright that's fine that's cool I'm grateful Oh she got engaged? At 21? Oh you have someone who's mutually into you? Oh he's texting you back? Oh cool cool cool cool must be nice can't relate but I'm happy for you." And on and on and on it GOES. My attempts at a love life are like Groundhog Day and always end the same. With nothing. I should not be surprised anymore. Sorry, do I sound bitter? Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit. I wrote a post almost two years ago (January 20th, 2018, to be exact) addressed to those of us that have never been in love. And now I am 23 years old. 23 as of September, 2019. I still have never been kissed. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been romantically, truly, in love. And if I am being completely honest, Yes, that shit ...

This past weekend my friend and I took a three-hour road trip to Virginia to surprise my Twitter friend. We had never met before and he did not know I was coming. He was very surprised and it was a great trip! :) But the whole time leading up to this, my mind kept coming back to, "What if I'm a disappointment? What if I don't look like what they expected? What if what if what if?" These thoughts often surface when I am going to meet an internet friend in person for the first time. There is a unique dynamic to online friendships that more tactile IRL friendships tend to lack. While it's different, this doesn't make these friendships any less real, valuable, or genuine. But having these unique friendships means that you may not meet this person for a very long time, (or ever!) depending on your level of closeness, or the physical distance between you both. You might text, talk, snap, and face-time frequently, but it's no substitute for the real thing...

College is harder than I thought it would be and I am not having fun anymore. This is something I texted my friend a few days ago, waiting for my last class of the day to start. "College is lonelier than I anticipated. Why is making friends? So?? Hard???" I know it's still the beginning, but I expected to have at least one friend by now! I've been friendly, I've initiated conversations, I've been involved... where are my people!? They always talk about the college work load, the stress, (which I've definitely felt already), or the homesickness. But I never heard much about the Being Thrust Into New Social Situations and Re-Learning How to Make Friends. It's hard. From my perspective, people didn't seem as open and interested in friendship as I had hoped. Seeing people who already have friends and tight connections only makes me feel more lonely from where I stand. When I was in community college, I didn't mind as much. I had two class...

I transfer to a new college in the fall. I started school at a community college in January 2017, and now I'm going to be a student at the school I actually want to be at. I've been nervous. Excited. Nervous. It's so stressful, and all of that just builds and builds as the starting date gets closer. There's so much prep for it that I didn't realize. A million different forms to fill out and things to do. And suddenly I am not okay. And I don't want to go to college anymore. Because it's all so overwhelming and TOO. DAMN. MUCH. But I also feel like I've come too far to back out. And I do want to go and I  do want to be there, really, truly. Just in this moment I am feeling suffocated, and panicked, and way in over my head here. I am so full of anxiety and fear and trepidation. I'm worried about it all so very much. How I'll afford college. What's going to happen when depression inevitably hits... Or anxiety. What if I becom...

I have a confession to make. Baby showers make me sad. I know, joyous occasions like weddings and birthdays and yeah, baby showers, are supposed  to make YOU happy too. You're just... supposed to be happy. It's that silent expectation or assumption. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend or relative who's expecting. They're excited and they're happy, so I am too. But then I get to thinking about how, this kid is getting brought into a messed up world by no choice of their own. None of us had a choice to be born, of course. I know. If the baby is to be a girl the sadness triples, knowing first-hand the unique hardships and trials women in society face. Some might say I think too much. But it's how I feel and that's that. "Everyone else at this baby shower seems so happy and smiley... What's wrong with me?" Is the thought that often comes along while I eat cake and people watch at these celebrations. But how do I really know...