Unnamed

Why doesn't anyone really talk about how being single can make you a little bit bitter? And when I actually do put forth effort and God says "No" I'm like "Okay alright that's fine that's cool I'm grateful Oh she got engaged? At 21? Oh you have someone who's mutually into you? Oh he's texting you back? Oh cool cool cool cool must be nice can't relate but I'm happy for you." And on and on and on it GOES. My attempts at a love life are like Groundhog Day and always end the same. With nothing. I should not be surprised anymore. Sorry, do I sound bitter? Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit. I wrote a post almost two years ago (January 20th, 2018, to be exact) addressed to those of us that have never been in love. And now I am 23 years old. 23 as of September, 2019. I still have never been kissed. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been romantically, truly, in love. And if I am being completely honest, Yes, that shit ...

This past weekend my friend and I took a three-hour road trip to Virginia to surprise my Twitter friend. We had never met before and he did not know I was coming. He was very surprised and it was a great trip! :) But the whole time leading up to this, my mind kept coming back to, "What if I'm a disappointment? What if I don't look like what they expected? What if what if what if?" These thoughts often surface when I am going to meet an internet friend in person for the first time. There is a unique dynamic to online friendships that more tactile IRL friendships tend to lack. While it's different, this doesn't make these friendships any less real, valuable, or genuine. But having these unique friendships means that you may not meet this person for a very long time, (or ever!) depending on your level of closeness, or the physical distance between you both. You might text, talk, snap, and face-time frequently, but it's no substitute for the real thing...

College is harder than I thought it would be and I am not having fun anymore. This is something I texted my friend a few days ago, waiting for my last class of the day to start. "College is lonelier than I anticipated. Why is making friends? So?? Hard???" I know it's still the beginning, but I expected to have at least one friend by now! I've been friendly, I've initiated conversations, I've been involved... where are my people!? They always talk about the college work load, the stress, (which I've definitely felt already), or the homesickness. But I never heard much about the Being Thrust Into New Social Situations and Re-Learning How to Make Friends. It's hard. From my perspective, people didn't seem as open and interested in friendship as I had hoped. Seeing people who already have friends and tight connections only makes me feel more lonely from where I stand. When I was in community college, I didn't mind as much. I had two class...

I transfer to a new college in the fall. I started school at a community college in January 2017, and now I'm going to be a student at the school I actually want to be at. I've been nervous. Excited. Nervous. It's so stressful, and all of that just builds and builds as the starting date gets closer. There's so much prep for it that I didn't realize. A million different forms to fill out and things to do. And suddenly I am not okay. And I don't want to go to college anymore. Because it's all so overwhelming and TOO. DAMN. MUCH. But I also feel like I've come too far to back out. And I do want to go and I  do want to be there, really, truly. Just in this moment I am feeling suffocated, and panicked, and way in over my head here. I am so full of anxiety and fear and trepidation. I'm worried about it all so very much. How I'll afford college. What's going to happen when depression inevitably hits... Or anxiety. What if I becom...

I have a confession to make. Baby showers make me sad. I know, joyous occasions like weddings and birthdays and yeah, baby showers, are supposed  to make YOU happy too. You're just... supposed to be happy. It's that silent expectation or assumption. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend or relative who's expecting. They're excited and they're happy, so I am too. But then I get to thinking about how, this kid is getting brought into a messed up world by no choice of their own. None of us had a choice to be born, of course. I know. If the baby is to be a girl the sadness triples, knowing first-hand the unique hardships and trials women in society face. Some might say I think too much. But it's how I feel and that's that. "Everyone else at this baby shower seems so happy and smiley... What's wrong with me?" Is the thought that often comes along while I eat cake and people watch at these celebrations. But how do I really know...

I was cruising around Google today, looking for answers... of course. To see if anyone else understood. That I'm not crazy. That I'm not alone. For the hundredth time I wondered if anyone else in the universe didn't want kids like me. Was afraid of being pregnant like me. And I found it. It's funny, how we always think that we're alone. When really, with the billions of people in the world... that's quite impossible. What I found, is that the fear of pregnancy and childbirth is a legitimate phobia, and it's called tokophobia. Tokophobia is defined as, "A pathological fear of pregnancy." It can occur in women who've had kids before, or not. Some symptoms (triggered by sight, words, thoughts, etc.) include recurrent nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks, sweating and shaking, thoughts of death or dying... If this sounds like you, please find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Having a family, including children, is such an ing...

***This post is about mortality and may be triggering to some readers*** Today I heard about a road accident that happened Friday. A family of 6. One mom, one dad, and four sisters. There were 5 fatalities. Death always shakes you up. I was at work, talking with a co-worker, and my boss brings up this accident. One second you're not thinking about much... maybe what you're going to eat for lunch, or your friend, your favorite band coming back, whatever. And the next you're struck somber by the realization that, You're Fragile and Life is Short. That everything else in life appears as filler and distraction from the thought of the inevitable. I feel like I should apologize for being so morbid. But this is a place where I come to write (and invite you to read it), so I'm just going to write what I want and need to and that's that. I'm very grateful for the "distractions" in life, quite honestly. I think we'd all have constant ex...